Writing to Myself
by Saskya-Amant
Summary: Sometimes it's easier to write down your mistakes, then to say them out loud…. And sometimes it just makes things worse... Written for the Diary Prompt Challenge.
1. Chapter 1

**This my entry for the Harry Potter Fanfiction Festival challenge "Diary Prompt" - this is what I came up with. I'm not sure I am happy with it but this it what came out of my noggin :) For you true blue Hermione/Ron shi****ppers you may not like this. But what can I say never really saw them as being compatible, but each to their own :) I hope you like. This is my first Hermione/Ron fic...**

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><p><strong>DIARY ENTRY 278<strong>

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><p>I am getting married today, in five hours, twenty-three minutes and forty-five seconds.<p>

My heart is beating faster than my chest can stand and everyone is standing around smiling and laughing, unaware of the panic raging inside me. When I imagined this day (me in my beautiful white dress), I did not see it with me locked away in a random bathroom sitting on the floor terrified that I was making a mistake that I could never take back.

I'm not afraid I that I don't love him. I know I do, I know it because I would never have gotten this far if I didn't. Right? I know he loves me back as well, so shouldn't that be enough? Isn't that what every girl dreams of? To marry their best friend, that's what I've always been told. That's what my parent's did and it worked for them.

But I have this fear, this nagging presence in the back of my head that by going through with this will be a life sentence. One I didn't intend on. I have a million questions to ask but I don't know if anyone will give me the level headed answers that I need. But there are two questions that I have the answers too, not that it helps me.

Do I want to marry him?

Yes.

Do I want to marry the life that comes with him?

No….

I'm getting married today in five hours, eighteen minutes and fifty-two seconds.


	2. Chapter 2

**DIARY ENTRY 351**

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><p>I found out I was pregnant today, my first reaction was to double check, was to make sure this was really happening to me. I always saw myself having kids, but right now? I don't know.<p>

I've only been married a year and we have only just settled into a comfortable routine. Our life has only become normal and to now throw a baby into that, I just… I can't help but feel it isn't the time. I know what he will say, how he will react. His face will spilt into a wide grin and he will want to spin me around the room. I don't know how to fake the kind of happiness I should be feeling about this, I think that is apart of the reason I don't want to tell him yet. Not until I have decided what I want. Is that selfish? I knew he wanted kids as soon as possible. Is this my own fault?

Do I only have myself to blame? Yeah, I think so.

What a great mother I'm going to be.


	3. Chapter 3

**DIARY ENTRY 596**

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><p>Yesterday we welcomed a baby boy into this world. A boy. I have a daughter and a son now. One of each, that should be enough. Don't get me wrong I love my kids. My baby boy is only a day old and I would die for him, would stop the world from spinning just to see his smile.<p>

But with each passing day, each passing year I feel more and more like _his_ mother. I never wanted that. I had ambitions, dreams, I had goals, lists. Lists that didn't revolve around grocery shopping, baby formula's, play dates. I was worried that I wasn't cut out to be a mother but I feel like that is all I am. Nothing more.

Can I blame this all on being tired? I did have a long day yesterday and it took me an hour just to find a quill to write this down but I just had to get my thoughts out, if only not to speak them aloud.

I love my kids, I do.


	4. Chapter 4

**DIARY ENTRY 756  
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><p>I started taking a birth control potion today.<p>

I haven't told him.

He told me this morning that he was ready for another baby.

_He_ was ready.

_He was ready!_

I don't think I'll tell him any time soon. I doubt I ever will. I know this is not how marriage should work, but I can't take it. I feel like I have three children. I know I wouldn't be able to handle a fourth, it would be my undoing.

I can't do that to my family .

I can't do that to myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**DIARY ENTRY 773  
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><p>He found the potions today.<p>

I walked through the door to be assaulted by screaming. I lied to him. I betrayed him. How could I do this to him?

_Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him…_

It's all falling apart, piece by piece it's breaking before my eyes and I seem to be the only one who can see it. Is everyone else blind? Could they not see it from the beginning? I could.

_I could…_

And yet here I am. I was there every step of the way-

Can I really complain then?

No.


	6. Chapter 6

**DIARY ENTRY 925  
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><p>I took the kids and left today. A grown woman and I stood on my parents doorstep with two tired kids with tears rolling down my cheeks.<p>

I didn't know what to say when Mum asked me what happened.

What had happened? Really, how had I gotten to this place?

Why was I always blaming him for everything that I thought was wrong with my life?

I think Mum guessed what was going on and had just shook her head and left me to myself, saying quietly that she would put the kids to bed. Even my own mother thinks I'm being ridiculous. She doesn't even have to say it. I can see it in her eyes.

"Um… can you put that thing away?" That was all he had said and it had ended with me throwing this very diary at his head while we screamed at each other. I have no idea why he wanted me to stop writing, I never gave him a chance to explain, I know that now.

_I never gave him a chance._

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><p><strong>DIARY ENTRY 926<strong>

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><p>He came by last night. Mum called him.<br>We talked.

Did you remember it was our anniversary yesterday?  
>I didn't.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**DIARY ENTRY 1215  
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><p>My baby boy went off to school today for the first time. His face lit up like a Christmas tree when he got on the train. My heart ached with love, he was still my little boy in my eyes.<p>

I cried when I got home to the empty house. It was piercing, the silence. I felt lost without my kids, it must have shown on my face because he came up to me then and smiled handing me my diary. He knew, he just knew, without me needing to say a thing that I needed to write it down, needed to get it out.

And as I took the diary from him, I looked at him and I could but see my daughter's eyes and my son's hair, their ginger freckles and goofy smiles. I realised then that this man, that I had known for nearly my whole life had given me the things I cherished more than life itself. I couldn't help but love him more for giving me my children, my babies.

My plans may not have gone the way I had dreamed, but as I looked around my living room at the photographs of our wedding day, of our children growing up, of our life, I finally realised I had so much more.


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